To be myself.
Honestly I don't know.
I'm tired though. 
I think that's enough of a summary of what my day has been. 
Hell, what my whole life has been.

you know, sometimes I stress out over little things. more often than not, over the past 7 and a half years of taming this.....this magnificent beast called Livejournal. . .

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't need to put a subject line. I never used to before, did I? I used to write random shit, like......I don't even know. Who GIVES a crap about subject headings, seriously. Why the hell should I care what the subject is when I don't really have anything glorious to say.

I just felt like saying this. :)

It's going to be some novel or somesuch.  I'm a fan of series of books.  So that's what it will be.  An indefinite amount.  Yet it will be all autobiographical.  Like a memoir.  Except more fictional.  Fantastical.  So its a fictional autobiographical memoir.  It's like ......me.  My life. My stories.  With my truths the way I see them.  My world.  This is the way I see the world.

Because the only thing I know is reality is SINGULAR.  It's not collective.  And no one can tell me otherwise.  I'm sick and tired of people judging me.  My reality is my own.  I tell it straight.  I'm politically correct.  I apologize if I offend, but its just so damn true, why, you should  just stop combing your hair over like that...sir.  You look like a worn-out mop.

And what's the point of minimum wage if there's no maximum wage.  Fuck corporate.
God damn. Anyways I could go on about Peter principles and glass ceilings and whatever.  But this isn't ABOUT that, is it? No.  It's about my book. 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This so called fantastical, fictional autobiographical memoir.

The format will be odd.  I don't like sticking to any one thing.  I really don't.  Everyone is aware of that.  So the memoirs will be in the first person.  But other times, there will almost be a sort of narrative going on where I step away and let a third person at it. 

And I still believe to this day that 2nd person-omniscient story telling is not COMPLETELY futile and frivolous.  I hope to embark on that as well.



It will never be published.

Hell, it may never be printed.

Because honestly, I don't even think paper will exist in 2020.  But who am I kidding, right?  Ask the acorns, they're the future.

But anywho, it'll start as a collection of my stories.  Stories that "apparently" people think I make up.  Because people think I exaggerate things.  Well good.  Because this is my so called fucking life, okay?  If I fudged something in here or there, sue me.  Did someone throw your popsickle in the dirt at daycare one day or something that left you so dim? 

*Sigh.*

I'm just not an angry person.  I'm just passionate.  And I'm passionate about my life, and what I've experience.  I aim to teach from my experience.  But by teach, I mean entertain.  And by entertain, I mean exercise your eyelids.  In keeping them open, that is.  Hopefully.  If they're closed, I'm doing just a terrible, terrible job.
Hooray, enough with this.

I must get to work on these so called random chapters of my memoirs.

This will be my life's work.

Godspeed.

but i couldn't resist.

sometimes people ask me when I'm on IM with them...
"How come when you type, you spell words like "realize" like "realise?"

And I don't know how to respond..

It just because a preference.

I mean I understand that "realise" is the more "UK" spelling of the American English word "realize."  But I don't really fancy words like "colour" or "favourite" or things of that nature.  Actually, sometimes I balk at the paper when I read such words in print, or even on the internet.  Yet when reading a word like "realise" or "criticise," I'm perfectly okay.   And definitely I am aghast when I see things like "spilt" or "spoilt" because I know that's a Brit vs. an American "spilled" and "spoiled."

So that's one thing.  But the other is how sometimes I just randomly say stupid archaic words that probably have no place in American or British English today or any day in the past 2 centuries.  And usually I don't mind it, nor do I notice it even.  But others do, and either they brush it off, or they point it out and give me odd stares.
Or they read it online and give me a ???


Case in point, in my last entry, I wrote:

"I won't dole over this any longer.  I feel like crap."

Now I just wrote that with the random stream of my thought, paying no attention to it.  Then I posted.  Then I thought, "Hmm, I used a word that I haven't used in a long while, and gosh, I don't think I even used it properly in a sentence."  Now it has been long since I've sat in an English class, and I could care less now in med school, but I'd still like to think my English is okay....and I'd hate to be making up my own language as I go along.

So I looked it up, according to the American Heritage dictionary.

dole¹ (dōl)
n.

1. Charitable dispensation of goods, especially money, food, or clothing.
2. A share of money, food, or clothing that has been charitably given.
3. Chiefly British. The distribution by the government of relief payments to the unemployed; welfare.
4. Archaic. One's fate.

At first I said, "Fuck. I did use it wrong."  Because I knew you can't just dole over things.  Bob Dole doesn't dole over things.  And he certainly wasn't anywhere near a form of welfare, unless it was his tax cut proposal.  That's how I remembered what dole meant.  And even the archaic noun about some fate didn't have anything to do with...doling.

But then, aha.  Dole, the transitional verb...

tr.v., doled, dol·ing, doles.

1. To dispense as charity.
2. To give out in small portions; distribute sparingly.

Nope.  I'm still fucking wrong.  You can't really 'distribute' over something...ever, let alone longer.  Oh well...
But wait, there's more..

dole² (dōl)
n. Archaic.

Sorrow; grief; dolor.

[Middle English dol, from Old French dol, deul, from Late Latin dolus, from Latin dolēre, to feel pain, grieve.]

So there, dolore.  Of course, Latin.  The little Latin I learned in med school about pain and grief is where I got this dole thing from.  But still, maybe Shakespeare uses it.  I bet he does.  In any case, I knew I was right.  So there, I just spent 5 extra minutes of my life analyzing how stupid I can be, just because I use old archaic words that most people would look up in a dictionary and laugh at me about.

Fin.

especially when i've been high on codeine for the past 3 days and i have no sense of time or space or anything in betweenn.

co-deine. be-tween. rhymes.
i could ddo this forever

so in my disjointed-ness, i started thinkin about safillevendredi, and wow, man, it's been a while since we've spoken.  So this is a cry out to you, my gal friday,  wherever you are Autumnmnsmnsms.  I miss what we never had to share in the first place.  If that makes sense.  Well minus for that little 'bleep' *if you'd call it that, even* at the stroke of midnight 2001, which I managed to somehow wipe out of my then-recent memory out of sheer embarassment/fear/awkwardness.....stupid stupid stupid me.

But I haven't forgotten it, no.  Because the fact is, here I am high as a kite and I can't fall asleep, and I haven't written in this journal for months and the only thing I can feel is regret? It's not regret really but my vocabulary has been pretty lackluster these past few years...

Regret as in that if I hadn't wiped that memory out, if I had accepted reality and taken responsibility for my juvenile and impulsive act that New Years Eve...would that have changed the worlds we live in?  By we, I mean, not only you or I, Autumns, but the rest of the people we involuntarily touch or run into (or both?)

This shouldn't even be happening now, but I feel like I'm having some out of body experience:
To back up, I just had my wisdom teeth pulled 3 days ago, and I sorta never stopped taking the meds given the lack of pain management they were offering to me..(up until this moment anyways....LOL).

Toutes les nouvelles qui approprie d’imprimer. Fin.

I love spring and all, but when are these birds going to stop chirping through my paper thin walls? Honestly, if I don't make it to bed before 2am, I'm a goner because these birds are at it all day and almost all night.

So I took a test, yay.

i'm gonna be a doctor. i'm gonna be a doctor. I'm gonna save peoples' lives.

i'm going to be responsible for peoples' lives.

( eh, not so fast, buddy, not quite yet. )

Random thought: What the hell does andmiddot mean? Admiddot andmiddot admiddot. Sounds like some word I'd make up. Like vkagh! for angila. Can't mess that one up. Back to the topic.

Random thought II: I really should consider changing my name officially to Raja Kumar Saha. There's no reason why I should remain generic old Sam. I don't even respond to that name. Let alone like it. Besides, anyone that knows me (other than Mumbie or King) calls me Raja. End thought.


..Well not when I'm speaking to someone personally. Sure, when I make one of my 10,000 daily interjections into a crowd of people, if you don't bother turning in, you'll have no idea what I'm saying. But that's a given, because I really don't want anyone to hear what I have to say.

And then there's this. Of course, you can't possibly say I am 'mumbling' here. Rambling? Yes. Completely non-sensical? Yes. Inarticulate? Why not. But not MUMBLING.

Let's Google.com it. I hope this earns me a plug for that god forsaken site, where any time you decide to throw in a search term, you'll get something back you might not be so proud of. I'm not UNproud of 'mumbieman.' That's my name. You'll find this Livejournal easily. And you can't strip that from me.
But don't call me "MUMBLEMAN." Because that isn't me. Don't believe me? Why don't you Google.com search it? Here, I'll help you out.

Clearly, I am no where to be found. If anything, it's just a bunch of other copycat posers who believe that it's cool to be a mubling man. All you have to do is put in stupid words like easter and tax and IRS and tom cruise, and boom, you're a hit.

It's ironic, yes, that I do mumble quite alot. But that has nothing to do with the story behind Mumbieman. Or Mumbie. Period. So I win. Ha HA!

once again i've managed to make no plans for anything. that's been the trend lately. no plans, wait for something. usualy that philosphy works for most people, but not me for some reason. so we'll see.

till then I have to wait 2 days before getting this god awful test over with. It's sad...years ago I'd be so happy if I had 5 weeks in between exams. Now all I can wish for are exams every 2 weeks or something. Because either way, you're forced to study every fucking day until your eyes bleed. So that's all I've been doing this entire month and a half, studying every fucking day.

To what purpose? I duno, I'm still as dumb as I was 5 weeks ago so why not give me the test already?

Either way, it's a Study Day off tomorrow. Which usually means I'm free to sleep in till 2pm on a thursday. Life can't get better.
And then it's Lung and Kidney time. :D

every now and then, my day is so exhausting that i pretty much get nothing accomplished (besides.....everything I had to do that day). And then around 5 or 6 in the evening, I feel like sleeping, but I still have shit to do..

And then by 11, when I'm real exhausted, something happens, and then I don't feel sleepy anymore. Instead, I think about random shit and well, here I am.
Nothing in particular, I'm really tired. This whole weekend was a mess.
( Read more... )

That was random, there's really no moral to this story.
Well actually, there is. It's been almost a week, and my stomach still hurts and I have no clue why.
so bye.

i wait up all day for you,
but why?

i wait up all night thinking of you,
but again, why?

what the hell is it that I want anyways?

as much as I normally can't stand it, sometimes i need to disappear. that's just how I've always been, runnin around in the background, away from the bright and shiny universe beyond the glass.

it's SO bright and shiny, too. irresistably so.

Changed a tire today. I guess my dad just left the car sitting there collecting dust since the tire went flat. He acts like he can't do it himself. Granted, he has no time, and even if he did try to do it, something would go wrong. So we changed the tire. And it was glorious.

Lifted a heavy tresure chest today. Ok, it was no treasure chest. It was some massive vanity chest my dad bought my mom for....whatever occasion. Just because. I like 'just because.' I'm like my dad. Creepy.

Watched a movie today. I watched a couple, but they bored me. Didn't lose too much money on it though. Good times.

Went to walmart today. yeah, that's usually what I do when I'm home. Go to walmart :P so many people there, some remember you, most don't. It's cool that way. Odd that it's already 2006. Been gone so long I can't really tell how things have been changing. Hell, my dog is almost 6....prety creepy. Hopefully she won't get old too fast. She seems to be as fun as ever, though.

That's what I miss...my dog. Always round to annoy you. Or want attention. Requests that I usually ignore, but then when I do fulfill them, she get's all happy and leaves me alone for a while. Then comes dinner time and I'm screwed.

If only everything was that simple. :)

that's the beauty of "home." that is, the one you used to call home until...it wasn't home anymore.

i came home today, and browsing through my room i found a couple boxes of stuff. mostly pictures, but one box had a lock on it. after 14 minutes of struggling and guessing i cracked the combination. and i was overwhelmed.

not that i had forgotten WHAT was in there...becuase I'd shoved it all in there myself over 5 to 6 years ago. but the fact is..it was still there. a moment in time.

There was a folded up letter, with a picture in it. The back read: "I hope you like it, sorry I cut it so weird, my scissors are retarded :P"

I have no clue who the chick in the picture is, unfortunately. She looks cute, though.

It makes me wonder. I used to KNOW so many people. I used to talk to them, write to them, phone calls, whatever...I was so involved in everyone else's life but my own. Because I never had a life, I probably never will.. but that's what kept me sane..

And then I found...pretty much 'reaction' letters from the girls of my youth. One even dated back to 1997, which is kinda shocking.

But the ones that caught my eye (yes, there were several from this one particular girl) just..make me cringe. At myself. I can't recall how old I was then, merely 15? 16? But....I might as well be the same kid now, looking back.

This is her advice to me, amongst other thoughts...

"Don't make me your life, though, because then you will miss out on so much other stuff there is to see and do and feel. Just keep being the Sam that I love. I understand everything you wrote, and I don't think worse of you, because I have always known how it was..."

I was probably caught up in her then, just as I find myself doing as of late...for good reason, we had a good thing going back in the day. But at the end of the day, she's right :/. I didn't understand then. I'm not quite sure I understand now, but...at least I've lived through the situation 340 more times SINCE then to retrospectively get it.

blah.

There's just one more person I need to make amends with before I can move on.
But I don't see that happening any time soon, its been years but she she obviously deserves to hate me.

Soo its been a while

Yeah things lookin better. Not really. But whatever, it's snowin again, and it's almost March, so that means this month is almost over heh.

Neuro's long gone. Cardio's been over since yesterday. I feel little more free. Though I might get myself in trouble for it lol. I dig myself into huge holes with people. And then I keep diggin to keep myself entertained.

Whatever dude, I'm twenty fuckin 1.
And it's almost over..

and now I can't walk. Because when I saw the car blow up, my leg did this automatic kick thing and I pulled my hammy again...
AGHHHHHHHHHHhhh.

At least my mind is off other things. Can't wait till tomorrow's epi.

Well it was SUPPOSED to be good. But somehow plans just fall apart. And it makes me wonder if plans were ever there in the first place, or am I making it up? I'll take the latter. In the end, the things that were supposed to happen, happened. It rained. It got colder. And now we have a couple inches of snow. Today's plan was just to head over to Jillians and watch football. I'm still up for that.

THEN, this is the night me and millions of people across the galaxy (i'm a dork) have been dying for over 8 months. I need my Jack fix. It's been way too long. And I'm sick of this 'personal drama' I've invented for myself to kill the time. I need to see more Jack's suffering/consequent ass-kicking in order to feel better, if that makes sense. That's why I like TV. It's not really YOU that's getting hurt.

Besides that, I've got the Neuro final in 2 weeks? Haven't begun studying yet. I figured since I spent all of LAST weekend studying/moping around, I would instead spend this weekend NOT studying/moping around. Once it's over, life should fall back into place (or out of it). February really does it to me.

Time will tell.

Okay I need some pancakes. heh.

this guy, the guy who conned me out of 15 dollars back in 2001!! HE's ON TV!.

lol I'm watching discovery health, some paramedic show.

This guy that we ran into walking the street in boston. He has no hands. Paramedics picked him up layin drunk on the sidewalk. His name is Donnie. And he's a chronic alcoholic, a regular pickup.

This is the SAME guy who was standing outside Condom World that day, his stub hands were wrapped in bloody bandages. He said he had AIDS. So I jus gave him 15 bucks. And then got made fun of when I heard he'd conned other people the same day.

And now he's on tv lol. I don't even remember who I was with when this happened, probably in 11th grade.

I could be sleeping, but hey, it's New Year's, I ought to be up.

Watching the 24 marathon. Gotta love marathons. But this year A&E really hit the 'Jackpot' with the 24 marathon. What else could you ask for?

The aforementioned pun was so unbearably stupid that it made perfect sense coming from me.

I'm really considering getting my wisdom teeth destroyed. I think I'm wise enough. There's no need for them to continuously cause throbbing pain in the side of my jaw. Back to school in a day or so.

This year's already off to a quick start.
I can't wait till the 15th.

so. I was just trying out the google blogsearch, and surprised to find how many keywords ended up with my LJnear the top.  though of course the one on top happened to be the retrospective entry in which I recalled an even EARLIER entry where I had mentioned 'Lindsey Lohan Breast Implants' and then google searched it to find that entry on the top of the list.

So hopefully GOOGLE will ARCHIVE this entry real awesome-like.  For all the world to see.  I need buzzwords though.  Like Sex.  How about Katrina? It's terrible.  We were discussing today how there are so many 'charitable' ways to give to Katrina victims.  Yet how many people/companies are spending more money than necessary to actually MAKE products for fund-raising than actually donating.  Like $7 candles.  Wtf.

Anyways, it's Friday, I'm out.